Monday, July 18, 2011

My Bad Friend

Random fact about me: After our boys fall asleep I go in their room, cover them back up and watch them sleep for a few minutes. I just love seeing them all sweet and peaceful, something I rarely see during the day. I like to pray over them and whisper how much I love them in their ears. Then I make sure they know Jesus loves them. Even when their sleeping I want them to know how much they've always been loved and wanted. It's one of my favorite times of day.

I gave my testimony to our bible study group not too long ago and even though most of it was about an eating disorder I used to struggle with, a big portion of my life has centered around rejection. After I finished, my friend Berkli came up to me and referenced what I said on Mother's Day the Sunday before. In Sunday School, just two days before, when asked what we hoped our children would say about their parents 20 years from now my response was that I hoped they would know they were always loved and wanted. After I spoke at our Bible Study, Berkli simply stated that she now understood why that was important to me. And, honestly, it really is.

You see, my Mom and Dad divorced when I was two and I haven't seen or heard from him since I was 4, maybe 5. I can't even remember what he looks like. Over the years I've battled with some pretty big rejection over that. I've done some healing but when I had my boys it took a whole new turn. I just thought about how nothing in this whole world would ever keep me from seeing them. Not money, time, jobs, other relationships. Nothing. I'm already looking into where we are going to college some day. Ha! *kidding. sort of.

It just baffles me when I think about it. Though this blog post might lend you to think differently, I really don't think about it very much at all. Unless someone brings it up or I'm in a Bible Study Group being asked how God has shaped my life.

As most women in America do, I struggle with insecurity. Big time. My friend Nikki boldy sent me a copy of Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity because she and I both know I need to read it. I struggle with body image, being liked, being wanted, being worth anyone's time. wondering if I have any talents, if I'm replaceable. All things, that I'm realizing from this book are from life circumstances I've let take root in my life.

Maybe you don't struggle with insecurity, and Praise the Lord if you don't! But if you do, in any way, I recommend grabbing a copy and reading it cover to cover as soon as possible. No matter what your root is, we have a Perfect Heavenly waiting for us, never absent, always present.

Like Beth says, insecurity has been a bad friend and quite frankly I'm tired of it hanging around.


Katie said...

I just stumbled across your blog from Kelly's Korner...I was reading this post and wondering what does this blogger look like? I scrolled down a bit to find a picture of you and your sweet boys. I just wanted to tell you that you are absolutely beautiful! I hope you have kicked that friend "insecurity" to the curb. ;)
God Bless!


Keeping Up With Katie

Ben said...

Thank you for writing this. I know it wasn't easy, but I admire your courage for putting it out there. Beautifully written. I always enjoy getting a peek into what makes you who you are. Sweet, beautiful, Bethany. I've always been (and will always be) a huge fan of yours.

Lauren McKnight said...

Just wanted to say that I love you and I'm proud of you for always being able to admit your fears, insecurities, etc. It takes not only courage but a desire to help others through your own life and I wish I could be more "real" like you.

Kelly said...

I'm smiling at what katie wrote above. You are so beautiful inside and out that no one would ever think you could be insecure.
We are blessed to know you and have you for a friend. And your boys are MORE than blessed to have you as a mom - they will always know they are loved. Even an outsider can tell how much you cherish them!