Monday, November 30, 2009

inching closer

I hope ya'll had a wonderful Thanskgiving! We sure did. We went to Pawpaw and Gigi's house since it's just 45 minutes up the road and I'm not allowed to travel too far away. You have no idea what it meant to us that they would stay home so that we could spend thanksgiving with family, so that we wouldn't have to spend it all alone. So very selfless - but it's just who they are. It was such a peaceful, yummy thanksgiving - just what I needed!

So my dr wants to induce me some time this week. Actually, they want to do it tomorrow if there is a bed available but we'll find out more about that today. I've been having some contractions since last night so hopefully I can just go in on my own and not have to worry about any of it. A lot of emotions go into this. Part of me is very ready to have a new sweet little boy in my arms and another part of me just wants to spend more one on one time with the sweet little boy I already have.

Jackson and Ben are my world. They are who God put me on this earth to experience life with. I truly believe that. I have had the best time these past two years being a first time mom...Jackson has just made it such a joy and blessing. I struggle some days about giving up our routine, the only life Jackson has known and honestly I can't remember what life was like before him. I get so scared that he's going to think I felt the need to replace him or that he wasn't good enough so I needed to just 'try again'... I'm sure it comes from all of the therapy sessions I've had with people. When you hear so many problems, struggles and issues coming from the world around you, you can't help but fear that your family will ultimately feel the same way. It's like a fireman whose house catches on fire or a dr whose loved one gets sick and can't make them better. Just fear really, but as emotional and hormonal as I am right now I can't help but be moved by all of it. So, I'm asking each of you to help me with something. Something crazy and irrational but a desire of my heart nonetheless. I want you to make sure my boys know a few things... things that I hope I can tell them myself but if for whatever reason I can't that you'll do it for me. Find them on a crowded street someday and say, "Hey, I knew your crazy mom and man I just have to tell you this..."

Make sure they know how much I love them. How much I prayed for them...both of them. That I asked God specifically for these two boys. That they have always been wanted, always been loved and always, always been my joy. Make sure Jackson knows that the only reason I ever wanted to have more children was because I wanted more of what I had with him. Being a mom of one has been so great, how could being a mom of two not be even better? Make sure they know that people will hurt them, fail them, disappoint them but God never will...even family members, those who are supposed to be on their side. Make sure they know that there is no such thing as perfection and that they are perfectly imperfect exactly the way they are. Oh and most definitely make sure they know that I gained over 30 pounds with each of them and if that isn't love, I dont know what is... ha!

We've had to move so far away from everyone that we love because of Ben's job. I know God has us here for a reason but it's really hard to see that somedays. Having children is something you want to share with those that you love and having another baby has just highlighted the distance. I miss our family and friends and it breaks my heart that we aren't closer to all of you... so if nothing else we could eat cookies in my living room on a tuesday afternoon while kids are running around screaming and throwing balls at anything in the house that is remotely breakable. Is it ridiculous that that sounds like a slice of heaven to me? Maybe so...I don't know about you, but I've come to really love almost everything I used to think was ridiculous.

3 comments:

Laura said...

I just love you Bethany. Your words are always perfect and I think I completely understand about the distance - you said it just right when you said that having kids is something you want to share. Sending you lots of good thoughts and telling that sweet baby boy to come meet the world sooner rather than later. You're a mom that I strive to be more like. big hugs to you.

mom2k said...

Perfectly normal feelings Bethany! I think we've all experienced something like what you are going through...hormones will do that to ya! Glad your Thanksgiving was a good one...wish we could have all been together, but maybe another year! We are praying for you guys...esp. you!

Lauren said...

Whew. You are setting a mommy standard that will be hard to live up to! Hopefully, when I have babies, I can be just a tiny bit of the momma that you are. I'll be thinking about you all night and all tomorrow. Sending lots of prayers to you, Ben, Jackson, and baby Luke!