This past week has really tugged at me. A friend once referred to me as "the good little church girl" on facebook and several more of my friends chimed in their agreement. I'm not sure what that even means, to be a good little church girl. All I know is that I love God and I try hard to draw closer to him every day. That being said, I struggle with things like everyone else. I worry. A lot. I used to suffer from some pretty serious anxiety and panic attacks - God has helped me get it under control. It is by no means gone, but is usually managable.
I have a nephew in the hospital and although he's doing great now I was very worried about him this time last week through the weekend. We got to go see him yesterday and he's just precious. Absolutely precious. We are so grateful that he is doing better.
Being at the hospital was so hard. I saw so many babies that were 'sick'. So many children in gowns, bandages, etc. It hurt my heart. It hurt my heart that we could barely find a parking spot. How amazing would it be to see that parking lot EMPTY. I know so many parents long to see that parking lot empty. I know I did. It's hard not to question. Impossible not to be affected. I have such a tender spirit. Ok - I'm a big baby. I cry easily and I take others burdens on myself. I always have.
Today, I stumbled across a "pray icon" for baby Stellan. I was blown away. I had no idea and it broke my heart all over again. It was especially hard after being at the hospital yesterday. I dont even know these people (except for the blog) and I started crying. Same with Zoe on hannah's blog. I've been in a funk for days.
God knew I'd be affected. He knows. Of course He knows, but He knew and He prepared for me. We stopped by to see Scott and Nikki last night, our dear friends from Arkansas, and Nikki had our Christmas gifts for us (we obviously dont get back to visit much). My gift was a Beth Moore daily devotional/journal. You have no idea how great this was for me. When I sat down to do my quiet time today I was blown away...although I don't know why. The very first day: " Prescription for Peace." Why was I surprised? I love it when God shows me that He is thinking of me. That He knows exactly what I need. Here is the passage that was at the top of the page. It's so fitting, so perfect. He always is.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)
I will still struggle. I will still question. I will still doubt. We all will. It's promising to know that God is always there waiting on us regardless of what we're going through. That helps.